Part One : Singing In The Middle Of The Storm

Hi Party People!

It’s been some time since I’ve written but I felt it was about time I get back on here. So I’m just gonna go with the flow and write when I feel. ha

Today I want to share about a part of our story that may be hard for some to read. So please know that this going to be very open and honest. If you’ve experienced a miscarriage and are working through the emotions, I believe it can inspire you. But if you’re not ready.. that’s ok. And know that I love you and I’m here to love and pray with you.

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SINGING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STORM

Have you been in the middle of a storm? I know many of us are in one right now. But recently I was in the middle of a major storm that I never prepared for. You see, this week I should have been giving birth to our first little love. We should have been rejoicing in having new life enter the world (even in the middle of a pandemic!) However, this isn’t the case.

Many of you may have heard our story, which we shared in our church service a few weeks ago. If you missed it, I’ll link it below for you to see if you’re interested. I’ve had it on my heart lately to share what it was really like going through a miscarriage and how I found peace in the situation. This was never my plan.. but God gives you strength to share when it gives other’s hope. So here we go…

In August of 2019 we found out we were pregnant. It was the fun, exciting, pee on the stick and jump up and down crying moment for me (and Ramiro… minus peeing on the stick and the jumping part ha). We had been married for just about 3 years and I was so ready to grow our family. It was the perfect timing.. we had just decided two months before that we would start trying for a baby and it actually happened! On top of all the sweet emotions, it was the weekend of our annual Marriage Conference so I was on cloud nine and so in love. I felt like things were just coming together perfectly and it was the best addition to our already magical love story. We knew it was really early so we made the call to our doctors office and set our first appointment which was a month away. It felt like the wait was forever! We had this secret that no one knew about and it was so much fun. We talked about how we would tell our families, how we would tell the world, and dreamed for the future.

As a woman in my 30’s I’ve honestly never even thought of the possibility of having a miscarriage. I was only worried that I wouldn’t be able to get pregnant. (You know all those “eggs drying up” comments.. yea, they aren’t helpful) So it never crossed my mind. I counted down every day to the appointment day. I totally didn’t know what to expect because it was my first time and I couldn’t ask people questions without them knowing I was pregnant. We finally got to see our doctor and had our first ultrasound.

It felt like forever. She got quiet and told us that she couldn’t find a heartbeat. It took a minute to process what she said and I was heartbroken. Ramiro couldn’t hear her so when he saw my worried face his smile faded. Our doctor gave us a minute to process and then walked us through what would happen next. (btw she was amazing and I’m so grateful to have her as my doctor) What we experienced was considered a missed miscarriage which means that our baby didn’t have a heartbeat but my body had not responded to what was happening it yet. We were almost 8 weeks. This happened on a Monday.

When we got home, we turned on worship music and allowed ourselves to feel all the feelings. We were hurt, angry, confused, heartbroken. We reached out to our families and leaders for encouragement and love. Our siblings brought us food and just sat with us. Our friends brought us coffee, food, and took us for rides to get us out of the house.  (Please note: If you know someone going through something like this, everyone is different. We wanted people around us but not everyone does. So keep that in mind. I know it’s hard to know what to do. I offer some resources at the end of this post.)

That next week we were up and down. I cried… A LOT and I laughed… A LOT. I used the reality of science to bring understanding of why it happened but even knowing that 20% of woman go through this didn’t help at the time. Then we got to this place that we believed that a miracle could happen. It had been days and my body had not processed what was happening. We set an appointment for the following Monday and decided if nothing physically happened, we would have another ultrasound to confirm once more before scheduling a surgery. So we started believing for a miracle. We prayed and prayed that if it was God’s will for our baby to live, that he would breath life into its body. I could hear Ramiro praying in the middle of the night asking God for a miracle. There were days that I couldn’t even put words to my prayers. They were just tearful prayers.

The Sunday night before our appointment we went to church like normal. We lead worship full of faith, like we always did. At first, I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to break and cry. I didn’t want to make things about me. But my amazing husband reminded me that worshiping in the middle of it is what would get us through. That night we were scheduled to lead “Raise a Hallelujah”. I thought to myself… “I can do this. There are other people that need this. Other people are going through things and we can lead them through it” I literally went into the night putting myself aside and making it about others. Boy was I wrong. I broke. On stage, in front of everyone. Because I was actually “singing in the middle of a storm”. But I was not going to let the enemy win. Even in a tragedy, he doesn’t win. He doesn’t get the Victory. It was an amazing moment for me because I felt like I finally understood what it mean to praise through hard things.

That night I barely slept. The next morning, we went to our appointment with hopes that she would find a miracle heartbeat and the results were the same. We accepted that this was it and made our plan. I wish I was able to say that she found a heartbeat and everything changed. But it didn’t. But you know what, all those prayers, all the faith and hope, all the tears.. they were not in vain. God heard those prayers and saw our faith. Our commitment to believe wasn’t shaken by the fact that we didn’t get the results we wanted. Yes, It was sad. But we knew we would be ok and we knew Jesus was still faithful.

Thankfully my body processed everything naturally the next day and I didn’t have to have a surgery. My body healed and my heart started the process of healing. We took a break from leading worship and received God’s love over and over again. Did I still cry? Do I still have moments of sadness? Well.. yes. It was still a loss. It was still hard. Even with the joy of our new baby. I can honestly say, it’s easier because of Jesus.

God met us where we were. And we are so grateful.

Our story ends with restoration and God’s faithfulness and I’ll share about that soon in another post.

One of the most beautiful parts of our story is that out of this hard moment in our lives, a song was written. “It’s Happening Now” releases this week. The same week we were due. So to me, our sweet baby’s purpose has arrived. We pray that you are blessed by it and that you still believe in miracles just like we do.

Click HERE to watch Lakewood Service with our story.

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A NOTE TO THE HURTING

For the woman that’s been through or is going through a miscarriage…

I want you to know how loved you are by God. This is not your fault and there is hope for tomorrow. I have a friend that shared a blog that helped me while I was going through this and I wanted to share it with you. It helped me so much and I believe it will help you too.

To everyone else….

If you know someone who is going through a miscarriage, I know it’s hard. You might not know what to say or do. This is a great resource on how to help. Take a look for some wisdom.

Hope After Miscarriage written by Abby Cirkles